On Christmas Eve morning my Husband went down to check on his 84 year old Mother who lives on her own three doors down and she had been on the floor all night. The emergency call pendant was nicely wound on the bed side table not around her neck where she could have called for help.

After a blue light race to hospital she is now very poorly and we have spent the majority of Christmas at the hospital.

This is the second time this year that she has fallen. In February the same thing happened. She has failing kidneys, a bad heart and she will not keep herself hydrated as the doctors have told her to. Therefore slowly her health deteriorates. The trouble is neither my Husband or myself are medical people and this episode crept up on us without realising. She has a bad urine infection and chest infection causing dehydration and disorientation .

When this first happened in February, we asked for social services to assess her. They gave advice on mobility equipment and supplied walking frames and stools. We had a stair lift installed. I employed a cleaner. My Husband said he would help with the shopping and washing etc as he has retired. I asked them both to accept some help from social services with someone going in each day to look after her. My Mother in Law said she could not afford it (her private pension alone brings in more than my full time salary), and my Husband said he could cope.

Within one month my Mother in Law had sacked the cleaner. She said she did not need help. My Husband became increasingly fraught at running around after her. Any time he spent with her she was either moaning or shouting at him. Four weeks ago he was put on anti-depressants. I have seen my family fall apart as the months have gone on.

This morning we went to the hospital to visit and she looks so poorly. She has not had an easy life and has become very bitter over the last few years. She is being an awful patient and shouts at the nursing staff. When we go to visit all she does is vent her anger. I can understand how frustrated she must be. It is breaking my Husband's heart, my heart and my darling 16 year old Daughter's heart. She has other family but they really do not care or want to care.

We asked to speak to someone to find out how she is. We saw a lovely kind and caring Sister who assured us they were doing all they could to fight the infections she has. I explained our situation and how we had tried to cope. She immediately said she would refer us back to Social Services and turned to my Husband, looked him in the eye, and told him it is time for him to hand over the responsibility. I told her how much it is affecting my darling Husband and our family unit and I did not know how we were going to carry on as we had. If she gets over this, then she is going to need either care at home or will have to go into a residential home.

I can see a very hard battle ahead as my Mother in Law will not want anyone in her house, will not want to tell anyone what money she has and will definitely not want to go into a home. We tried to get her to sign over power of attorney earlier on the year as my Husband already does all of her finances but she would not do this.

I am sorry to put such a depressing post on here but I just needed to tell someone how I felt.

Jackie
xx

Hi Jackie. First of all it' s fine to vent here - you' 've had a tough time and of course it' s ok to share with your friends. Jennifer has some excellent advice and hopefually lots of great ideas for you to try.

Your mil is being very challenging but she needs to know that you care about her and want to find a solution that works for everyone. We all have to compromise to get to an optimal outcome where everyone can thrive, it will be worth it eventually.

love and hugs - Sylvia xxx

Hi Jackie

Its not a nice situation to have your husband not well and pressure of the mother in law.
I have been in similar a few years ago with my nan and her alzhem - she couldn't help her behaviour by going up and down the neighbours at silly o'clock asking for bread/marg/milk. My mum wouldn't do anything with my nan being so vunerable so I contacted social services and got her to a place of safety and assessed. It broke my heart because my nan would never live in her beautiful victorian home ever again. But my mum and I kept driving to and from her house before this due to neighbours calling my mum with updates on my nan being so vunerable it was so draining - I'd leave work go home for a short time to change then off again to my nan.

After she was assessed I got a tip off from a colleague of a brand new care home just down the road because her mum was heading up the recruiting and placed in the care home for a while. We picked her room which was downstairs in a dementa side (had elderly care upstairs). Such a relief to have my nan in a new care home and was secure. Sadly she is no longer alive but I feel it was for the best for her and our health.

Health is important to you and your hubby - you have to think of yourselves first.
May I give my new year wishes to your family.
Take care
Xxx

Hi Sue - so sorry to hear your Mum is so poorly. You're doing all the right things and it must be so hard to juggle the needs of everyone, and take care of your own health too. At 95, your Mum must have seen some amazing changes in her lifetime - goodness she must've been born during the time of the suffragettes! It really gives food for thought doesn't it! I do hope that you carry on doing the marvellous job you've been doing and things work out for the best. Take good care of yourself and get plenty of rest - do you go back to work on the 2nd?

Hi Jackie - your MIL is very lucky to have you as a daughter in law! I don't expect she tells you that but it's clear from your posts that you care so much. Having a laugh is hugely important - being silly is worth lots of pills and painkillers!! It's made me smile to imagine you and your hubby having a serious heart-to-heart conversation only to end by something daft and hilarious. My hubby is feeling stressed out about work atm and so has been a bit down, but we had a good fun time last night playing monopoly with my big kids - it really cheered us all up. I'm embarrassed to say that there was a lot of colourful language as daughter kept landing on Regent Street with a hotel (mine), and her boyfriend decided it was safer to stay in jail rather than risk gong bankrupt! We're off shopping today - the 3 daughters will be spending their christmas money, so more bankruptcy on the way!

Love and hugs to all - Sylvia xx